Author: Gabriela from Romania

Gabriela from Romania shares the story of her chance autism diagnosis at age 35, embracing her weirdness, inner world, and difference, and discovering the autism community.

My path has been a game, adventure mode on, self-exploratory to the core.

I played sports, joined clubs, attended parties and concerts, was part of groups, and had an active social life; I travelled the world and experienced its positive vibes. I had a few quirks and sensitivities, but no one seemed to mind.

The first level started with a loving family and a friendly, accepting community that took me as a whole. I was not bullied as a child, marginalised, or excluded. I played sports, joined clubs, attended parties and concerts, was part of groups, and had an active social life; I travelled the world and experienced its positive vibes. I had a few quirks and sensitivities, but no one seemed to mind. I grew independent, self-confident, and curious about humanity.

I'm 35 and now working in IT.

That said, I recently found out I’m on the spectrum. It happened by chance, not by intent, and I’m still figuring out things slowly, fragmenting into a billion thoughts.

I was researching for a friend whose niece is on the spectrum, and while watching videos of Aspie school girls, a lot of it seemed to hit home: what they’d said, attitude, motivation, gestures, their approach to things, thought’s structure. So much of that resembled my own at that age. So naturally, I did what any sensible, rational adult would do today: Youtubed and Googled.

I began reading in depth about girls on the spectrum.

I went over professional papers and personal stories. I took tests, made lists, and ended up with some user manual of myself, which, for those who would like to try it, is an exhausting, fun and revealing exercise.

I felt abundantly ignorant for not knowing how much the topic had expanded and amazed by how diverse it was. For example, there’s a lot on classical autism – less applicable for me, and another lot of useful info I struggled with due to being presented too broadly. On top of that, psychology papers seem to be written by people who observe from an external standpoint without having a genuine inside understanding of the situation. For me, that made it confusing, abstract and distant.

What helped clarify were the testimonials of people on the Spectrum.

They seemed to put into words exactly how I was processing things, what and how I felt, sometimes using the same words or phrases, and they even knew weird things I experienced that no one else knew about. They also normalised the frustrations, other people’s denial, the confusion, the stunning moment of confirmation, and the relief.

They got it.

They made sense.

They were there.

Going over memories and facts seems so obvious, scattering any sign of doubt. I thought whether to get an official diagnostic and what that would bring to my life, both positive and negative. As a grown-up who’s made it so far in a bizarro world, learning how to function well, I decided not to go for the extra validation. Speaking strictly for me, I don’t feel a formal diagnosis would add value to my life or help in any way. I understand, though, people who go for it, either for pragmatic reasons, for wanting to stop the “how can you be on the spectrum?” frustration, or simply for getting an answer to a continuous thought. And I encourage people to do what they feel is best for them.

I don’t know whether finding out about it early would have made a difference. I felt accepted and supported without thinking something was wrong with me. I took pride in my cool features and regarded them as strengths.

I learnt what works for me, what doesn’t, communication & emotional skills, and coping techniques. I don’t know if it took longer or if it would have taken this long anyway. For me, it was more of a self-discovery process of trying out things versus being guided by a professional.

I am immensely grateful to everyone who created and shared content online.

For a while, I went with being bipolar, which gave a base, yet left some things unexplained. Being on the spectrum makes sense altogether. It feels as if, for the first time all the pieces fit where they are meant to. Understanding it eased my daily efforts to deal with emotions or processes outside my control.

Yet, I was still attempting to manage tightly, such as anxiety, that feeling of standing out, the automatic mimicry, the super productivity rush followed by super crush etc. It came with a subtle relief and appreciation, looking back at all the hard work in acquiring those skills/methods/techniques. Overall, it brought extra steps towards understanding myself and extra love towards my family and friends.

Discovering the community around this has felt soothing, comforting, and connecting, all to a level I was not expecting. I still address people as “humans” and find them curiously strange creatures with strange habits. I still feel like a being from another planet, dropped on Earth, continuously needing to upgrade my skill pack to function, using a different operating system than others. But at least now I know there’s more of us. Small army.

And that’s a lovely feeling.

I watched most of Paul’s videos and smiled widely each time he described spot-on coherently how I function, without me having to strive to explain any of it as if having a spy camera inside my mind. Amazing. Stunningly amazing. I relate to his videos to such a great extent regarding inner processes/thoughts/sensations/the core structure of my being.

It's been a long adventurous path.

I’m a newbie on the spectrum. I’m still thinking things over, not knowing how to relate to them or how this would evolve in a few years. I don’t see this as a disorder, and I find approaching it bizarre, rude, like the world’s unkindness, unsustainable and perhaps damaging in the long term. Everyone has strong points and things to work on, whether on the spectrum or not. I don’t see being on the range as a disability. I see it as a pack of features. They are pretty remarkable and have amazing features, to be honest.

Maybe I could do with less extra sensitivity to meanness, and I could do with less anxiety, but I guess it’s a whole package deal.

People come in different shapes, colours and features.

Some of those shapes/colours/features have names, while others don’t. It just so happens that this one has a name – a beautifully coloured, delicately textured, softly shivering, musical name because I’m synesthetic, and that’s how I perceive it. Maybe I’m new at this, but I think people need kindness, love, and gentleness more than they need labels.

I don’t mind being weird. I like it and would not trade off my inner world and sensations. I am more than a name, a diagnostic, a perspective of describing myself; there are angles and layers, tones and shades, a solid self-transforming universe, quietly waiting for people to broaden their eyes and hearts and connect.

P.S.:

I added a few links for women who need clarification about this.

I’m sorry you have to go through this. It is going to get better. 

#sendingyousoothingvibes

• https://www.aspergerstestsite.com/aq-test/
• https://taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/
• https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=sarah+hendrickx
• https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-FpBZR7DbpvNj5UrFN8qUA/videos
• http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/about-aspergers/girls-and-women-who-have-aspergers